orange has a brain

i found a brain inside my orange. it was as disturbing as it sounds.






























don't worry, i didn't eat it. how could i? after the conversation we had about fruit civilization and the ethical dilemma of genetically modified food. the orange told me it has a family and a home somewhere in Florida. i threw it in the sound so it could find it's way home.

my cousin jamie wrote a song about it. soon he will record it and it will be a pop anthem.

"It's so weird when you see someone you just dreamed about. Like it's gonna show."

I think any thing i am, every thought i have had, and words i have said.....could be or have been said better by angela chase. i mean really, my so called life is still the only accurate example of what is was to be a teenager. even now that we have 'reality' shows about teenagers. i mean, seriously. no one has done it better than angela. she was emo before we had a word for emo. she was sad and conflicted and insecure...and i love love love how she would stare off and have these long internal monologues...because....because that is exactly what i was doing.

the scariest thing is i can still relate to some of the show when i watch it. not as much as i did when i was in high school...but enough to make me wonder if i have matured at all.

if you don't know what i am talking about...rent my so called life. or....please enjoy a taste:

"The thought that I might be seeing Jordan Catalano in a few hours was, like, impossible to comprehend. Like when they first tell you about infinity."

"There's something about Sunday night that really makes you wanna kill yourself. Especially if you've just been totally made a fool of by the only person you'll ever love and you have a Geometry midterm on Monday, which you still haven't studied for because you can't because Brian Krakow has your textbook and you're too embarrassed to even deal with it. And your little sister's completely finished with her homework, which is just, like, so simple and mindless a child could do it. And that creepy 60 Minutes watch that sounds like your whole life ticking away."

"Sometimes I think if my mother wasn't so good at pretending to be happy, she'd be better at actually being happy."

"People always say how you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing. Like a toaster, or something. Like you can know what it is, even. But every so often, I'll have, like, a moment, when just being myself in my life, right where I am, is, like, enough."

"It had become the focus of everything. It was all I could feel, all I could think about. It blotted out the rest of my face. The rest of my life. Like the zit had become the truth about me."


"You know how sometimes the last sentence you said, like, echoes in your brain and it just keeps sounding stupider? And you have to say something else just to make it stop?"


"Because it is a big deal. I mean, sex made your whole life start and if you think about life as, like, a circle or something, then sex and death are the same...Look, I'm not saying they're the same. I mean, I've thought about having sex with you, and, god, I've never seriously thought about killing you."

"Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while. And admit the truth: that when you really look closely? People are so strange and so complicated that they're actually... beautiful. Possibly even me."

quiet

an empty room
mattress on the floor

open all the windows
and shut all the doors

if only all mouths could be like yours

i want my own club card

so i went to safeway. i never go to safeway. they have all these club card prices. i have no club card. so the checker rings me up and asks for my number. i give her every number i know. my parents. no. my friend in missoula. no. my old number that i think had a club card. no. my dad's cell phone. no. my husbands. yes. i tell the woman that i will just have to remember to use my husband's phone number next time. i saved $1.29. she looks at the reciept....."have a nice day Ms. . . ........." and she gives me this look. the club card is in his ex girlfriends name.

ew.

april

like a speck
pollen in the sky
passed on the street
whisper full of lies

you gave it all
and you took it all away
i knew the price
and i played and played and played

a smudge on a lens
lawnmower throwing grass
i had to leave this place
and i left it fast

and the streets all blur like paintings
mistakes all dull with time
the windows open just a crack
and every star is mine.

said all the things she'll never hear

sometimes all it takes to move on is a deep breath. sometimes it is hours of therapy. sometimes it is time. mostly it is time.

i had a dream last night that i was kicking the shit out of someone. in real life, this person has been....hmm...the source of some hurt.

and that is all it took. this dream. i said all the things i needed to. i destroyed this person fairly and deservedly. and i woke up and felt at peace with it.

there are things i don't understand. i don't know why some people are cold and hurtful. i am starting to finally come to a place where i don't need to understand....i can still let it go. i can heal and move on. it hurts. people are disappointing and cruel. i can only continue to heal, forgive and focus on the amazing, wonderful blessings i have...rather than trying to make sense out of the people that disappoint me.

it is funny ....i have been really focused on a healthy mind and spirit.....a gentle and loving heart.....and not harboring negative or toxic feelings......and then i have this dream full of anger and violence that allows me to move on. i am sure i was holding onto some anger...even while trying not to, and it needed to come out.


Saturday was beautiful. 76 degrees. we walked to the pool for swim lessons. then walked to the beach. we walked for about 3 hours. and one hour on the beach. my calves are still sore.

i found this really delicious Hawaiian beer with liliko'i in it. i love it. it tastes best in my back yard in the sun.

i think it would be even better sitting on the beach in hawaii....but i try not to think about that.

also:

i am almost 29.
and i got a new job.
i am very, very excited.

cabin in the woods and other pipe dreams

i just opened a bill from seattle city light. i owe them $744.76. i have no idea why it is so high. the last bill i paid was in february for $175.51. i called to inquire and was passed around, put on hold, and eventually disconnected. if it was a cable company or a bank....i would say....thanks for all the suck and fuck you...i am taking my business somewhere else. but....i can't do that because they are the only company offering power in my area. so....i am officially being fucked by seattle city light.

i want to live in a cabin far far far away. i want a fireplace and solar energy. i want a big garden of organic veggies and fruit trees. i want a greenhouse and a compost pile. i want a bicycle and a dirt path that leads to the ocean. i want on outdoor dutch oven for summer pies. i want a field of lavender and an old empty barn. i want a clothesline between two large apple trees, and summer scented sheets blowing in the breeze. i want a pregnant belly and a hammock and fresh baked bread. i want a fucking clawfoot bathtub.

i hate seattle city light.

i don't smoke. but sometimes i do.

smoking is wrong and gross and unhealthy.

i like organic food. i drink raw milk. i enjoy kale and brown rice. i have not had a soda in 5 years. i don't buy food that has hydrogenated oil or high fructose corn syrup in it. we eat sprouted grain bread and free range, vegetarian fed, hormone free chicken. i think candy is gross. i won't eat boxed cookies. they scare me. what are they? what is in a ritz cracker? chemicals, that's what. nasty, toxic chemicals.

but....

I like to bake cakes, cookies, scones, muffins, and pies. i use sugar. lots of it. i make frosting with tons of butter and sugar and lick it off my fingers. i will bake cookies and eat 10 of them in a sitting, no problem. i can eat 5 cupcakes right now.

i also love alcohol. sweet sweet poison. i like beer. a lot. microbrews. ipa's. yum. i also really really enjoy vodka. i can go through a bottle in three days. and i have been known to drink mass quantities of champagne. i am drinking a beer right now.

which brings me to smoking. it is so gross. i actually see people smoking and think "nasty....why are they doing that? it is so unattractive and disgusting".

and then i smoke. not often. but i do. like....in the back yard....in the summer.....in the morning with a cup of strong coffee...listening to the birds......my feet in the grass.
or when i am sad and feel like crying and it is raining and windy and i am playing music loud i sit in the window and blow smoke through the screen.
or when i am driving and singing and a montage of memories like movie clips are flying around my head.
or when i am drunk.

but i don't smoke.

because i am healthy.

most of the time.