Wednesday, December 17, 2008


we have no internet. hopefully this is temporary.

also...all i do these days is gag. i am not quite a functioning human. i don't shower, do dishes, put on make-up, cook, run or blog. all i do is gag, sleep, complain, moan, cry, and force feed myself.

food has become my enemy. an old lover i must keep in contact with even though i find it revolting. sure, sure we had some good times. sure, i used to cherish you. but now i find you awful...but i need you for survival. curse you, food!

so...aside from all is wonderful and magical.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

blame barbie

this picture really makes me chuckle.

speaking of presents....i am just...about......done with my list. hooray!
i have absolutely no idea how i am going to pack everything in our suitcase for Reno.....but it will be done!

have you seen how barbie™ crap is packaged? or really any kids much plastic packaging.....a huge plastic dome...this will somehow fit with other plastic bubbles in our suitcase.....

the bigger question here is why in hell did i actually purchase barbie crap for my child? after so many years of loudly protesting anything related to barbie...after the long conversations i had with a toddler about healthy body image and real expectations of beauty. after year after year saying "no" every single time riley asked "pleeeease can i have a barbie?"
well.....because i am weak. because she wants it so bad. because, if you were to ask her why her mother doesn't like barbie, she would say "because women don't look like barbie".
and because i have found a tiny loophole in my own vapid rule. if the barbie is one of the disney princess's....then i guess it isn't that bad.....right?
so she will be getting the little mermaid....not barbie.....(this is what i tell myself). she is getting a pink pegasus...not the barbie fairy horse.

i can't believe we will be coming home with a puppy. i am so excited.

with any luck....the puppy will chew the barbie into flattened, punctured, scarred, burn victim with extreme deformities and missing limbs. this will give me an opportunity to lecture her about how everyone, even barbie, should be loved with flaws and missing parts. so what barbie only has one hand and is missing half her hair!.....she still has a good heart. and look how pretty her other hand is!

i have problems.
i blame the barbie's i played with as a child. and my parents, of course.

someday, riley will have serious issues because of me and my attempts to save her from the ugliness of the world. she will hate and resent me.

or maybe she won't and she will be totally rad and confident and creative and strong and will thank me for my amazing mothering.

or maybe she will be a little of both. like most of us.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

here in december

it feels like the confetti
of rain
here is december
running in any weather

the sky is celebrating
a happiness so deep in my chest
beauty is everywhere
and almost blinding

tears come easily now
i don't mind
(the rain hides them anyway)
in pines and cedars
the mush of old leaves
under so many silent steps

here in fog. in mud.
in the soggiest of grass.
here in winter.

i have never been so warm.