Friday, June 27, 2008


now that is what i am fucking talking about


mr. owl

Thursday, June 26, 2008

it would be a good day for watermelon, if you didn't hate watermelon

burien. parking lot. double chain link fence. long long grass.
her first ballet recital.
the dress rehearsal.
sitting in the car with the door open.
the breeze is warm and calm. it feels like summer.

when she is done she runs out and jumps into my arms. her tutu is gold and white and way too shiny in the sun. she hugs me hard. she hugs with her arms and legs and stuck on like a baby orangutan. she smells like hairspray. i carry her to the car even though she is too big now.

i don't know how to tell her. i don't know what to tell myself. i am conscious of each inhale and make an effort to exhale. i fight the urge. the burning pain to just cry. just cry. sob. let go and let my body fall. scream and punch and snot and spit. and just sob. i want to be a broken heap on the floor.

but i don't. i drive her home. we talk about ballet. i tell her i am proud of her. that she is an amazing dancer.

i found out today that my dad has cancer.

Monday, June 23, 2008


laying on the grass
reading a book about horses
pulse in my belly
and i remember how it felt
the twirling of a life
the hiccups and stretching
tiny heart beating
all inside me

and now i roll over
it was my own blood
pumping in my own veins
just me
my empty belly.



or Cowgirl?

i went to cowgirls inc™ on saturday night. it was....there really are no words for how incredible it was.

during the "pour some sugar on me" choreographed number, all the girls poured an entire pitcher of water on themselves. so then....THEN they were soaking wet. in barely any clothes. grinding on the bar. it was amazing.

I am still amazed at how un-sexy skinny girls are. really. if nothing is moving or jiggling when you are wet and dancing on a bar, you need to eat a fucking double cheeseburger and gravy fries.

Luckily there were only a couple of those. The rest had IT going ON.

for some reason, all of them used the middle finger gesture liberally. which confused me. why are they all so pissed off? i mean, if the tattooed "bad" cowgirl was the only one that did it, i would understand. but even the cute "catholic school" cowgirl did it. are they implying that all of them, no matter what outfit they are wearing, are angry? i don't want an angry cowgirl. i want a happy cowgirl. giving a thumbs up. because i did not go to cowgirls inc to get flipped the bird every 3 seconds.

no, i did not ride the bull. and yes, i did dance on a table.

Saturday, June 21, 2008


Last night, after margaritas in the sun, a walk along alki and a glass of wine at my parents house...Bonnie and i decided that we should go to a movie....we decided on Sex and the City....because we both don't know anyone in their right minds who would go to it....except for each other.....because we are two girls not in the right mind. i just confused myself.

It was a long movie and when it was finally over i felt like an emotional wreck. Needless to say, IT WAS GREAT*

i actually had tears dripping off my chin at one point. no joke. i know, i know, it sounds like i need hours and hours of therapy....but this movie really hit a nerve. if you have ever gone through a major heartbreak, this movie will hurt you. but then something funny happens and it is all ok.....ah....the comic relief of movies. if only we had that in real life.

this movie also strongly encourages dealing with life by drinking....and i am a believer in this approach.

*if you like crap...which i do.

i love the idea of celebrating the solstice...because i have always been a pagan hippie at heart. but instead of dancing naked under the stars, we braved the crowds of the fremont solstice festival this morning and it was NOT WORTH IT.

After sitting in traffic for a hour...i parked about 2 miles away...stood in a crowd for a couple hours and watched the parade that was BORING....and then tried to fight a swarm of people to get a frankfurter.

i didn't take a single picture of the happening's (naked bicyclists, guys on stilts, belly dancers, ballsacks) because....i was bored out of my mind.

i did take a picture of us:

and then pictures of riley enjoying a chocolate milk on our pit stop during the 2 mile (up hill) walk back to the car:

can you see them? she has the CUTEST ittybitty freckles on her nose and cheeks.

Thursday, June 19, 2008


the kettle burns hot
sugar dissolves fast
steady footing
standing on plexiglass

when it snaps
all i hear are words
small and quiet
and i'm covered with burns.

i baked this just for you
peaches are your favorite
you didn't even try a bite
so fuck you,
i quit.

notes from dream (nightmare) last night:

nazi's had invaded our neighborhood.
it was night and we had candles burning.
there was a guard at each house and we were forbidden to leave.
the next day we were taken from our home.
we left with nothing but the clothes on us.
they separated us.
i was taken to a building with only women.
it was so crowded.
i shared a tiny bed with four other people.
all i did was cry for my daughter.
i was told she was taken to a nazi school
and that i would never see her again.
i actually felt my heart break and it felt like someone stomping on my ribcage.

polaroid dreams

this was on our way to coleman have to walk about 1/2 mile along the beach to get to the pool...and it is beautiful and worth the walk. It is a saltwater pool with old growth forest on one side and the ocean on the other. it is amazing.

i actually had a positive banking experience yesterday. i think i am still in shock.

also on the subject of never-happens-to-me.....i called about a parking ticket (simply because i couldn't remember where i got it) and they dropped it down to $2....from $65

so with all this saved money i bought a polaroid camera. for $3 at a thrift store. score!!! my elation wore off quickly when i discovered the price of polaroid film AND the fact that it will soon be gone because they have stopped manufacturing it.

but....but.....but.......the pictures are so dreamy!!! why, polaroid, why?

and yes, i realize that i just took digital photos of polaroid photos.

oh, and this is pretty rad:
nano huh?

Monday, June 16, 2008

starting to look like summer


garden poppies

sunny morning in the backyard

fresh wild mint from the garden muddled with vanilla vodka and soda water equals 100 % fantastic summertime bliss

blooming peonies in the front yard

and.....good morning SUNBURN!!!

afro and airplane

what i witnessed at the park yesterday:

and then this cool guy with the afro and toy airplane walked through cuz he didn't give a FUCK. (this is the best picture i have ever taken).

what he might be thinking:

"i don't give a FUCK....i am a muthafuckin PILOT.....shit....these fools are like TOO OLD to playing with swords and shit...I am going to fucking launch my AIRPLANE...because i am a fucking PILOT"

i have video. but i am having a difficult time exporting it to a small enough size. but don't worry. it will be here soon.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

all crumpled up

riley is learning about aging....


me: want to have lunch with nana and cousin linda?

riley: who is cousin linda?

me: she is nana's cousin. and is a couple years older than nana.

riley: she is OLDER than nana? (totally shocked that this is even possible)

me: yes

riley: is she all crumpled up like nana? (squeezes the skin on her face with her hand)

me: yes

riley: oh i know her!

here is the conversation from yesterday in the car:

riley: ryan is such a cute lil brother

me: ryan is my older brother

riley: (laughs hysterically) he is older than you? you look the same age!!!

me: he is FIVE years older than me! and no we don't!!!!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

10 things that make me angry

This was more difficult than i expected. There are so many! kidding....sort of. I think the things that make me angry i try to instantly forget.....not dwell on.....move away from.....clear my head of......that sort of thing.

so here they are:

firstly, i hate bank of america. my hatred of this bank started years ago when i was standing in the bank asking for a print out of my statement, and was told to call customer service on there courtesy which i replied "you want me to call the bank...while i am standing in the bank"? and then i was told it would take 3 days for them to fax me my statement. i won't even go into all the other reasons why i hate this bank.

i am angry that i can't eat bacon every day. because i would...oh man, i would.

seriously? i do not need my car. i do not need to leave my house....ever. i like walking. because i hate feeling like i am being raped* every time i go to the gas station.

* not in the good way.

do i need to explain? you make me ANGRY, dubbya. you are evil. EVIL.

it makes me a little angry that i don't own this dress.

my mac photobooth stopped working for no reason. it is annoying. p.s. it is NOT being used by another application.

i am a little pissed about the lack of good mexican food in seattle. i have been craving a good enchilada for about a month. this is the only picture i could find. and i am painfully hungry right now.

it makes me angry that heath ledger is dead.

keep your stinkin hands off my milk!
and it is not a "trend" you fucking morons.
here is a simple tip if you want to drink raw milk: know where your milk is coming from. i buy mine from sea breeze farm and it is amazing.

this was the weather yesterday...JUNE 10th. i am cold.

a year later

i just realized that i have had this blog for a year. i had a different one before this, but it was deleted in one of my emotional freak outs of 2007.

also this week marks the one year anniversary of being a couple. seems like yesterday. i still feel giddy when he walks through the door.

wow, my life has changed in a year.

this is the first picture i have us us.

and this was taken in July, before Dan moved in. Notice two things about this: he is tan. and a fan was required for the heat of summer. unlike this all we require is a sweatshirt and heater.

and here we are now. older and pale.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

i believe

i believe in a lot of things. i don't like putting labels on beliefs...because it always sounds trite.
like when people say "i believe in a higher power" i always think booooring. "i believe jesus died for our sins"...yeah not so much, but ok. "i believe in the magic and beauty of the world".....warmer....."i believe in something bigger than me that i can't, and don't need to explain...but i believe in more....more than me and us and here and now"....hmm....see...this is why i try to incorporate "doesn't need to be explained" when i start thinking about all this.

but i do. i believe in a god. i believe in the magic of the universe. i believe that there is meaning in our lives that comes from somewhere else....that spirits exist and guide us. i believe in the power of compassion and love. i believe that jesus was a real person that did amazing things and that we should see that as an example of how we could be, or should be. i also believe that he was human.

and most of all, i believe in this:

Monday, June 9, 2008

how i do

we have been watching the wire a lot and i find myself extremely attached to some of the in an unhealthy way. like the way i was attached to felicity...and we all know why that was wrong. but...when i watched bodie get gunned down by marlow's crew....i was so fucking pissed. like i wanted revenge. i wanted to pop a cap in their muthafuckin face. cuz that's how i do. shit.

i made cake and cupcakes for my cousin's bridal shower yesterday. it was fun. i made a white chocolate buttercream cake with fresh flowers, orange liquor buttercream frosted cupcakes with sugared orange peel, and lavender buttercream cupcakes.

notes from my dream last night:

i was standing in a parking lot.
it was hot.
august sweaty white t shirt hot.
he had a dirty face. like he had been working on car engines.
(he worked at jiffy lube in high school)
he lit a cigarette
i was watching but trying not to, rumaging through a bag like i was looking for something very important, a lot more important than him. i didn't want him to even realize i had noticed him standing there, let alone the fact that he was smoking...and sweaty.
but i was watching him the whole time.
he smoked like james dean.
i wanted one.
he saw me and i knew my efforts to act cool were worthless.
i felt pretty. and completely transparent while he spoke.
his friend had just been killed while walking on the train tracks. he was upset.
i didn't want him to think i cared. and i don't think i actually did care. but he did.
and then i went from feeling transparent to invisible.
and i walked away.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

10 things that make me happy

the last page of one of my favorite magazines, domino...moment of silence for it's the last page of domino is always some persons "10 things that make me happy" and they feature a designer, stylist, actress...normally someone awesome and beautiful with loads and loads of money.
I decided i am going to do this every month. and i am ALSO going to do "10 things that make me angry" keep it real.

So here are the things that make me happy right now:

this panda puff ball. please be mine.

the le crueset dutch oven in teal. sigh.

la mer lotion. worth every penny.

french press coffee. the only way to wake up in the summer.

my back yard. it is the place to be in Summer 2008 according to...this blog.

orange linen lounge pants. i wear them everyday.

lip gloss. fruity sweet nummyness.

target pillows. bright. fun. happy. and around 20 bucks.

poppies. i love how they instantly make my table look like summer.

mr. obama. so so so dreamy.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

philly the pest

remember when i wrote about the raccoon invasion? is proof:

look at his cute lil paw on the tree! pleeeease....please can i keep him?

well....i actually have no choice. he won't go away. and now i have raccoon poop in the yard and a hungry cat.

low tide

we poked at stuff. it was awesome.