Friday, October 30, 2009

Friday, October 2, 2009

dear ex-girlfriends,

we all have exes. unless we are my parents or my friend Sarah. holla!

so....we have past relationships. then we have current ones. sometimes we even get married.

and sometimes an ex girlfriend keeps showing up and it becomes an issue.


so.

dear husbands exes,

i know you are lovely people. i know you may want some validation and attention and believe me...i know it is easy to get from a past lover. i like majored in this shit. if feels easy, doesn't it? to reminisce.....flirt.....talk about your "connection" and that fun stuff. it is like a nice lil boost to your self esteem....oh...this person still gives a shit! i must not be so bad!

yes, yes. i know. but.....i am sorry......my husband.....is now my husband. and i want you to go the fuck away. he does not care about you, even if he says he does. what he feels is pity. a little guilt. he feels sorry for you because you wanted the things he now has. the things he told you he didn't want. the things he only wanted with me. also.....remember, he is a man and things get screwy in their brains. so he chatted. he picked up the phone call. he accepted the friend request. he was just being silly, wasn't he. so.....here are the new rules. YOU, ex girlfriend....GO AWAY. get a life. move on. shut up. he doesn't care about you anymore.

sincerely,

Wife



oh and

Dear Ex Boyfriends,

Call me!!

Just kidding.

i don't need validation from you because most of you are losers anyway....and i am HAPPILY MARRIED.

xo,

me

Saturday, September 5, 2009

pompom

riley: "why does jessica have those HUGE pompom boobs?"

me: "who is jessica?"

riley: "from Roger Rabbit. and she is so, so, so tiny with HUGE BOOBS"

me: "well.....because jessica is not real. she is a drawing."

riley: "and she goes boom...boom....boom" (she shakes her imaginary chest)



dan did it. he told her she could watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit. i blame him.

Friday, August 28, 2009

pass the pudding

there is no good reason for why i have not been blogging on here....except i have another blog, and a boob blog where i post pervey pictures of my friends.

i still feel like i have plenty to say here, much to praise, words to combine, thoughts to express.....and of course i still have much to bitch about.

summer is almost over. i should clarify and say "summer is almost over for RILEY" because i have been on summer vacation for 2 years.

this summer....with riley.....sounded like this:

lookatme mom watch this mom look mom look look look watch this look at me lookatme watch this lookmom lookmom looklooklook watchme watchmewatchme mom LOOK AT ME MOM

and i did a lot of looking at watching and playing. but not enough for riley.
she has already started her christmas list, people. it is August. she wants an ipod, a handheld video game thing, a scooter, and another baby buggy.

an ipod.

she is 6.

i think there is a good balance these days of those amazing my-daughter-is-wonderful-i-am-so-lucky feelings with those who-the-fuck-is-this-little-monster feelings.....

this summer i really appreciated having lunch like a 6 year old....we ate hotdogs and drank ovaltine. we enjoyed bowls of chicken n stars, graham crackers in milk....we made tuna sammies and ate chips.

i think i have gained about 10 lbs. add that to the 10 i never got rid of last december....and i am officially fatter.

and i don't know if it is because the last year has been one of the most devastating* years of my life or if age has made me numb to everything (a combo perhaps?) but i don't care. i don't care about much. i literally went from the thought "i should start a diet today and have a nice smoothie for breakfast" to "pancakes it is!" in under 2 minutes.

i will probably hit a disgusted point and want to starve myself like always..but not yet. i guess this is what "letting yourself go" feels like. it feels like making chocolate pudding at midnight and only wearing elastic waistbands. it feels like an extra jiggle while you are towel drying but forgetting it instantly because there is still someone in bed who will sleep with you. because love is cool like that. and because he "let himself go" too....so you both are chubby and totally into each other and can you pass the chocolate pudding please.


*devastating but also wonderful. i love my life. it just hurts me sometimes.


note: i started a blog all about trying to get and stay pregnant. wouldn't want to bore anyone here with baby thoughts. not that anyone reads either of them. i don't know who i think i am....but i do know i like to spread myself all over the internet. it is sad, really. i guess i blog more of myself because it feels somewhat better than sharing all my thoughts with a warm body and having a blank expression in return. i started the baby blog to spare my friends the awkwardness of trying to find something to say every time i bring it up. and i also got tired of people telling me to just "relax and try not to think about it". so....now i blog about it. to the vast openness of the blogiverse.

Monday, August 17, 2009

am i drunk?

i drove all the way to trader joes and then realized i had forgotten my wallet.

instead of saying "parking"...as in "i am parking the car" i said "landing". i didn't notice until riley said "landing??"

like i was driving an airplane.

this made riley laugh and laugh.

then.....i told her to put her popsicle wrapper in the "garage". i meant to say "garbage".


i may be having a stroke.

Monday, August 10, 2009

what are you doing?

what i am watching: True Blood season 2. blowing my mind. dan calls it my soft porn.













what i am listening to: The Gossip, Music for Men. track 4. click here to listen. but the whole album is great.

what i am eating: salted caramel cupcake form Cupcake Royale. i know, i know, seattle cupcake snobs....Trophy is SO MUCH better. yes, i know. i get it. but the salted caramel gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning....even though it is becoming increasingly more difficult. this is the conundrum.



















what i am reading: Martha Stewart LIVING, Real Simple......and other glossy things. what? it is summer! i also have the first Sookie Stackhouse book...it will be cracked open soon.



what i am baking: red plum upside down cake. i have made it 3 times in the last 2 weeks. it is that good. it is also good with peaches.




















what i am doing: not much. we did some yard work this weekend *gasp*! and i took some pics of my friend Sarah's beautiful one-year old, Sadie Rose last week. i seriously want to spread her on crackers and eat her up.


































































Tuesday, August 4, 2009

naughtiest dog ever

Coco is in big trouble. she is grounded for the rest of her life. She is number one on my Shit List.


We made the mistake of locking her out of our bedroom last night. she must have been insulted by this. Dan woke up around 2am to a noise....



She had done the following:

pooped in the family room.

got into the recycling.

taken items from the recycling and shred them in varies places around the house. a milk carton here. a shredded butter carton there. tiny chucks of an egg carton everywhere.

got into the pantry. pulled out a bag of cookies and a bag of flour.

took a BAG OF FLOUR onto the couch (yes, the new couch) and dumped it out. an entire bag of flour. don't worry, it gets better.

ripped apart a cushion from new couch. as in ripped apart the inside. as in pieces of foam from my favorite piece of furniture all over the house. and flour EVERYWHERE.



needless to say.....Coco slept outside the rest of the night. and i am never talking to her again.



here is just a tiny glimpse of the destruction:

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

july....

I had some blood taken today for some tests. this is the second time this week i have driven to the lab to get poked and drained. i sat in the chair and it felt familiar. i am indifferent to the process of getting blood taken, like most adults. but, i remember so vividly what it felt like the first time i had to give blood. i remember the long hallway at the pediatrician. the posters of kittens and ponies on the wall. the pain. oh the pain. it was awful and terrifying. i felt sick and like i might die. today i barely noticed and chatted about coffee as each vile filled up.

pain is so relative. when i was pregnant with Riley i remember reading about getting an epidural and being freaked out. a needle in your spine? are you kidding? it sounded awful and terrifying. until i was in labor and the pain of contractions made the thought of needle in my spine sound like being tickled with a feather. suddenly, i didn't care AT ALL about the potential wussy pain of getting an epidural.

and emotional pain.....funny how my many "heartbreaks" over the years feel like nothing now that i know the heartbreak of losing a baby. not that i should compare the feeling of being cheated on or dumped to the loss of life. but i feel like my heart is a numb lump these days.

I have always been against this....the idea of becoming numb after something painful. i was conscious to not put walls up around myself after bad relationships or shy away from potential love for fear of being hurt again....i knew to feel was powerful and to hide would only leave me alone and miserable. and it worked. i was open to love and fell for Dan quickly. it was irrational. i was vulnerable. but it was the only way i could be. and it worked. I love him more truly and deeply than i ever imagined possible....and it happened instantly.

and now...in a different area of my heart.....i feel closed and numb. i feel scared and brick by brick i am building walls. what if i can't get pregnant again? what if i have miscarriage after miscarriage? how many times can i go through it? the first time destroyed me. it broke me into so many pieces. it took months and months before i felt ok. and the second one?

well, pain is relative. it hurts less because i have felt it before. because i have to wall off that area or i would crumble. so i was numb. my expectations were low this time. because now i am overwhelmingly aware that a positive pregnancy test does not mean you will have a baby.

but it still hurts. it hurts in a way that is tangible. that i will feel forever. i feel it every time a hear another woman tell me she also had one. it used to mean nothing to me. oh...you had a miscarriage.....that must have been hard.....but now......now i feel it like i would if i was stabbed. and i want to hug them and cry for their pain. the disappointment and total extreme from joy and hope to loss and despair is completely crushing and disorienting.

but we survive. and hopefully try, try again. next time i am going to wrap myself in bubble wrap and sleep in an oxygen chamber for the first 12 weeks.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Ferry to Vashon

we went to the strawberry festival on Vashon today. It was lovely. for some reason, I only took pictures on the ferry.














We took coco and she did pretty well considering the heat and the mob of people....and the parade....and all the dogs she felt the need to lunge for....at least our arms are still in socket.





































My husband is so nummy. i LOVE him....like lots n stuff.














in other news, i still need a freaking haircut.

Friday, July 10, 2009

just a little friday vent about douchbags

i was reminded last night why i don't like most people.

i know there are a lot of great people out there. i have met some, yes. but....more times than not i meet someone like my cousin's friend.....

i mentioned Spain wasn't my favorite place. i did not connect with the place....and compared to other places i traveled.....it was my least favorite.

cousin's friend had a real hard time with this. lots of eye rolling and disbelief....and implying that i was SO STUPID i just didn't know that Spain was awesome. i must have done something wrong.

he actually said "maybe you looked like a tourist".

really? really smart guy? really whitey?

I HAVE FUCKING BLOND HAIR AND BLUE EYES. yes, i fucking looked like a tourist. i am sure you looked totally European in your douchbag baseball cap, cargo shorts and REI backpack, you fucktard.


i just hate people. and i fail at faking it as i have gotten older.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

plain

this made me laugh for way too long....


"you should buy this shampoo i saw on TV. it comes in different flavors i think you would like. it comes in coconut........and lemon.......and.....um..... plain? what do you call it? the white kind? .....vanilla!"

-riley in the car after being at my parents house and watching 2 hours of TV


i laughed so hard. the white kind. plain. also know as vanilla.

i don't know why some of the things she says really make me happy. but this one did.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

only veggies from now on

"every time i see your tummy it looks bigger"


riley, today in the dressing room.


i am going on a diet.

actually, i am never eating again.

oh, and i am never taking her into another dressing room again.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

boobs and food

i started a new blog. it is the classiest thing i have ever done. it brings me great joy to bring you:

http://boobsandfood.tumblr.com/

Monday, June 22, 2009

sludge and strep

Riley started off her summer vacation with a high temperature, sore throat and headache. I took her to the doctor today and it is strep. doh! strep strikes again!

we are leaving on thursday for Montana. i am really looking forward to clearing my head and heart and singing loudly on the open road with my girl and my pup.

other news:

i made a blackberry cheesecake and it was delicious.

riley got her hair cut.....6 inches of her blond locks, gone. she wanted to go shorter....and we decided on a transitional shoulder length...but i am pretty sure it will be a chin length bob by next month.

i had an extreme bloody nose last night and thought i was having a brain hemorrhage. i NEVER get bloody noses. in fact, the last one i had was in third grade when i ran face first into a tree.

our father's day was lovely. we went out for brunch, walked around bookstores, and went a movie. then went to my parents and had oysters and lots of wine.

i cleaned and spray painted an old bbq on friday for this thing* dan was shooting for his film....and i am STILL sore. from spray painting. not sure how or why...who knew chores could be such a great workout? p.s. he owes me BIG time.


*i have no idea what it is, what it is for, or how it involves his film. i know it involved a half naked girl in underwear and an apron....and a spray painted bbq. it is so completely typical for him that i don't even ask questions anymore. i try to not take it personally that he put a random chick in his film in gold hot shorts and not me......that my "role" in his film was to clean out the old grease and sludge off a bbq and paint it. i am sure she looked better in an apron than me. in fact i am positive of this. but i think i used to be considered "hot" enough to be put on camera. not sure when this changed and i became the grunt labor wife....not cool enough to meet the actors. not rad enough to attend brunch with the crew. do i sound resentful? i don't mean to. jealous? sure. bitter? perhaps. i think i am more going through my monthly woe-is-me fest where i remember the days past...when i was single and lusted after. when my boyfriend thought i was gorgeous and out of his league and we stayed up all night talking before he finally kissed me after the sun came up. now i feel like i am not pretty enough for a stupid fucking 3 second fake tv show that will be somewhere in a short film my husband made. not cool enough to go to sushi with Rider. and when i finally see the film, my only on screen involvement will be like "oh....i totally painted that bbq".....and that makes me feel left out of the party. and i was left out of the party. completely. so i guess i am just the uncool wife of the rad director. i guess i am really good at cleaning sludge.

so yeah....wasn't expecting all that to come out.


fuck, i can't wait to get out of town.


for the record, i am very lucky and i love my husband.....but fuck, sometimes.....i have issues, hence the blog.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

my little animal eater

we had bbq ribs last night and riley asked "what animal is this?" and we told her it was pig. and a few minutes later she said "pig is good."

yes, riley, yes....pig is very, very tasty.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

bring on the freckles

I went on a mini vacation this last weekend to Santa Monica/ Venice Beach and it was lovely. I really love Venice Beach and all the craziness that goes along with it. you can get a tattoo, a hotdog, some weed, a jade bracelet and a painting of jesus all in the same stretch. oh, and visit a psychic....which we attempted to do...she must have seen us coming and hid. i also saw a guy with no arms laying on a table playing the bass with his feet.

i stayed with my lovely friend nicole in an incredible apartment right across from the beach. we lounged by the pool and got super tan...we ate delicious sushi, nummy fish tacos, we walked and shopped and i had a great time.

riley is out for summer next week. we are going to take a road trip to Montana the following week and i am really excited. me and my girl and my pup. open road. wind in our hair. loud music. mountains. huckleberry milkshakes. going to the river. ah, montana, i miss you.

bring it on Summer!!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

First Aid Kit

i can't stop listening to this. i just love their voices so much. i am a sucker for swedish folk...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

burn

nothing works in this type of heat. my cell phone is too hot to ring. my shoes stopped fitting.

i have a huge painful pimple on my forehead, right by my eyebrow and i am too old for this.

shadows melt down the sidewalk. they must be looking for shade.

there was no point in watering the flower pots. they have transformed into little brick ovens, baking young buds and beetles alike. at least the dog isn't dead yet.

and i am perched like the bluejay in the biggest cedar. on the longest branch. on the very tip. the sunniest spot.

burn me up, sunshine. burn me up.

Rider

here is a pic from Dan's short film.....he just shot this past weekend.....and yes, this is Rider Strong. as in Shawn Hunter from Boy Meets World. as in the hot guy from Cabin Fever. as in totally dreamy.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

museums filled with skillfully stuffed memories

you know those dreams...the ones where someone you have not thought of for....months or years....someone who was once there, daily, but time and life has made this person only a stranger on the street you duck from...barely a memory now. barely. and then you have a dream and the person is across the table and smiling and it feels wonderful to know them again. to feel their eyes in conversation....to look at them and not duck behind a parked car and cut into the alley. and you wake up and feel something similar to sadness but not quite. similar to missing, but not really. because in real life you would like them to stay a stranger. you like that they are barely a memory. barely. but....you liked the dream and how it felt to know them again...like that...in your mind.

i had one of those dreams. and then i was reading my new book of e.e. cummings poems and found this:




it is so long since my heart has been with yours

shut by our mingling arms through
a darkness where new lights begin and
increase,
since your mind has walked into
my kiss as a stranger
into the streets and colours of a town-

that i have perhaps forgotten
how, always(from
these hurrying crudities
of blood and flesh)Love
coins His most gradual gesture,

and whittles life to eternity

-after which our separating selves become museums
filled with skillfully stuffed memories


e.e. cummings

Monday, June 1, 2009

really.

wait. is it June? is it really almost summer? is it really going to be in the 80's this week?














yes. yes it is.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON trailer in HD





OMG OMG OMG!!!! even though i hated the first movie...because the book WAS SO MUCH better (and i know i sound like uber nerd dork in saying such a thing....and yes i am 30).....i am SO excited for this movie!

and dude. Jacob looks HOT. num num num.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

hamstuh vs hedgie

debate worth having?


(click on to read)






























Monday, May 11, 2009

beat the bridge

i have had 2 pieces of chocolate cake today.
i have not gone running in over 2 weeks.
back when i was running, i could run a max of 3 miles, and it was not pretty.
i just signed up for "Beat the Bridge"..... a 5 mile run THIS SUNDAY.


thoughts:

i am out of my mind
i might die on sunday
it will be so ugly and embarrassing when i crawl across the finish line
i don't even own a sports bra
will anyone notice if i run in my pajamas?
i hope it rains so everyone looks awful and drenched not just me
should i notify paramedics before the race?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

trudles

happy mother's day, mom!!

thank you for being so weird:













and for being so dramatic:


















and for being a wonderful nana:




















we love you! thanks for putting up with all my crap and for being a great mom.

xo

Friday, May 8, 2009

dearest husband

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAN !!!













today my wonderful husband turns 27. here's to a fantastic year, dan! can't wait to go to Star Trek tonight....it would be better if we dressed up like klingons....but i understand.

i love you!

xo

wife

ps cake is in the oven....can't wait!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

some of the May 9ths of the past

i am saying goodbye to my 20's this week. the end of another decade.

for fun, here is a recap on birthdays in my 20's:

20: i went to a bar in missoula called 'the ritz' and split a fishbowl with shannon. a fishbowl is a huge bowl of alcohol and fruityness with lil gummy fish intended for 6-8 people to share. i then remember telling a boy i had a crush on....that i did, in fact, have a crush on him. i was mortified the next day. and i had a headache, obviously.

21: i had 13 shots in the first hour of being out. i was in bed by 11. i woke up in the morning and had gatorade for the first time which was mind blowing.

22: someone gave me a hat with boobs on it. i walked around the bar saying "i have boobs on my head!!" then i got knocked up.

23: i was a new mom. i think my parents came to visit me and we went out to dinner at their hotel. i was probably in bed by 9.

24. no idea.

25. no idea.

26. chandlers on lake union with my parents.

27. i think i went out with my cousins and disappeared. i remember throwing up out of a car at some point.

28. hmm. this was only 2 years ago and should not be so difficult to remember. i probably just had dinner with my parents. oh! we went to zoe!

29. thankfully i have had a blog for 2 years. here is what i wrote last year: "my birthday: uneventful. i did learn that i like lamb. so that was neat. oh, and i had a delicious cocktail with vanilla vodka, apricot nectar, and a splash of cranberry that was bomb." i asked dan where we went and he couldn't remember.



i am thinking i should get rip roaring drunk on Saturday. obviously.

Monday, May 4, 2009

goal: organized space















this is blowing my freakin mind!! <-please click.


ok. so....i have a hard time living within the small space we have. i feel like it is exhausting at times to have too much crap and not enough space. everything has a very specific place. and if you throw something else into the mix or don't put something away immediately....all hell breaks loose. needless to say, all hell is always loose in our house. i have tried working on solutions for this....i got bins and drawer organizers, hampers and hangers, hooks and baskets. i have gone through and tossed or donated most things we don't need or use. i try to keep clutter under control. i do. but.....i fail at cleaning up after myself in a timely manner and it is the abominable of snowballs that keeps rolling and rolling ever down into the depths of mess....to the overwhelming world of crap everywhere. no counter space. sink full. dishwasher full. clothes in washer. clothes in dryer. clothes piling up in floor. and i give up so quickly. it is the dark underworld of slobdom. i admit it...i am a slob. i fail at being an adult in so many ways.

i know....i need less stuff. even though i have weeded through and parted ways with many beloved hoodies and white t's....countless beer pints and sad lidless tupperware. even though just last week i left 2 full bags of clothes for salvation army on the curb for pick up.....i need to purge. PURGE, I SAY!

ug. i feel so gross even writing this. another American complaining about too much excess. poor me i have too much. poor me my house is too small for all the junk i keep. poor me i am a complete slob. who cares?! people are dying of swine flu all over...um...mexico!! who cares if i fail at organizing? would i be better at organizing a hut made of dung and straw? take that dana. you whiny brat. at least you have a home full of mess to complain about.

i went way off track. i was going to write about how inspiring these photos are. a tiny space, lofted and sometimes lofted again. amazing layers of living space. an office lofted above a bed?! amazing. it is incredible how one can choose to use their space to it's full advantage instead of throwing old magazines and dirty sweatshirts into every dark, dingy, dusty corner.

i never want another cupcake. ok....well, maybe just one more.

tea party




























































Friday, May 1, 2009

may

sacks of stones
collection of feathers
how he used to trace each line
remembering a time
when skin tickled to touch

we think in seasons and
speak in storms.
there is a day in august
i can't wait to pass.
just a number. a square. a box on a grid.
a date someone selected and took away
retracted. nevermind.
i give it too much meaning
i do that a lot

stacks of stacks of paper
quiet words once.
scratched to scribbles
erase and replace.
shoved further and further beneath the bed.
where all things go forgotten.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

did i ask you for attention when affection is what i need?

i know i mentioned this before....but i love me some metric. enjoy.



this morning

....

That everything's inevitable.
That fate is whatever has already happened.
The brain, which is as elemental, as sane, as the rest of the processing universe is.
In this world, I am the surest thing.
Scrunched-up arms, folded legs, lovely destitute eyes.
Please insert your spare coins.
I am filling them up.
Please insert your spare vision, your vigor, your vim.
But yet, I am a vatic one.
As vatic as the Vatican.
In the temper and the tantrum, in the well-kept arboretum
I am waiting, like an animal,
For poetry.

-Katy Lederer

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

somewhere on a wednesday

there was a loose string on her sweater. she tugged it free and slowly wrapped it around her finger. around and around. tightly. she watched her fingertip turn purple. released the little thread tourniquet and watched the color spread back to peachy. she did it again.

at least i have blood in my veins, she thought.

earlier, when she was in the shower she noticed that her tears got lost in the gentle spray of water. they were the same tepid temperature. it was like they weren't there at all...so really, what was the point.

when she drives she has the urge to quickly turn the wheel into the center median. she imagines her car cartwheeling down the empty freeway. she wonders if she would lose consciousness immediately or would she feel each flip, each crunch, each break. she imagines it being silent. like the silence that follows fire alarms and gunshots.

she has lost track of time again. she only notices because a stranger asks for the hour.
it is now, she thinks. no wait.....now, it is now. but, no....that was then. she wonders if she could sit in one spot and count each second of the day. then she would be aware of each present moment. announcing it and therefore living in the now. is that how it is done?

the guy at the counter likes her hair, her eyes, her skin. but she thinks he probably only likes her because she isn't his. they always like everything until they have it. such a cruel fact, she thinks. we never want what we have.
she will never have anything so she loves everyone....or is it she will never love anyone so she can have everything? she can never remember which. but she is sure it is the answer.

she walks on the grass. how long has it been the same season? there are eleven birds in one tree. next to the bird tree is the plum tree in full bloom. tiny white flower pompoms that smell of honey. they weren't there yesterday. suddenly and unexpectedly, she laughs. how quietly everything can change. she hopes to be as sneaky as the plum tree.

Monday, April 27, 2009

the struggle

Love is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.
-Iris Murdoch


i once compared believing in love to believing in god.

believing in something you can't really see. can't really prove. you have all these books, all this art, poems, novels. so many words to explain something that, in the end, is a concept you either believe in, or don't. you either feel it, or don't.

i remember wondering what love would feel like. would i know? is it obvious? will i hear music?
is it like how you know when an egg is boiled or how long to knead dough? will i just know?

it can be that simple, but it isn't. yes i just knew, but doubts are everywhere. yes, it is perfect, but in all it's flaws.

is that it? is it an evolving concept? does love mean one thing now, a different thing then, and something else tomorrow?


i watch my child capture bug after bug. she names them and secures them in jars. loves them and talks about them endlessly. one by one they die, she dumps them in the yard and she finds a new one.

not to sound bleak, but, is it just in our human nature to love and destroy and repeat?

is the trick in marriage to love, crash, cry, re-evaluate, psycho-analyze, love, crash, repeat?

i know there are no answers and i know the important thing is simply the want. the discussion. the value. the believing.



also....
i think about this a lot: in this culture we don't like any weakness. we do not talk about the ugly side of everything beautiful. and it is there!! i remember being pregnant and saying "no one ever tells you this part!".....because no one does. we talk about our perfect lives, our perfect children and our wonderful marriages. but nothing is ever easy and perfect! sometimes i post very honest things on here...and it is hard. it exposes those unwanted feelings...the vulnerability of being (gasp) flawed, weak, unsure, imperfect. but, i do it because i feel it is important to acknowledge the struggle. and anyone who tells me they don't struggle....is lying....or i need to be on the drug they are on.

sew cool

i sew want this. i would sew love it. it is sew super rad awesome.
i sew wish i knew how to sew.


















i wish this sewing machine came with a grandma to give me little loving instructions. i wish i could special order a grandma. she would also know how to knit. and she would be very patient with me. and she would call me "dear" and "sweetie" and we would bake things like bread and casseroles and bundt cakes. we would quilt and talk about love and life and how time changes everything. we would drink tea every afternoon and she would speak in phrases like "when life gives you lemons...." or "what doesn't kill you...." or "you just got to roll with the....." and i would say "oh grandma" and roll my eyes like she is so out of touch. but then i would realize that life really can be simplified into phrases. i would appreciate my special order grandma and all her little sayings. she is like a prophet. she would tell me that a good stew and a stiff drink can fix any marital troubles.

that would be sew cool.

monday

i remember crating her as a puppy so this would not happen. i think i failed.












spreading weeds looks so artsy.











spring! (i think that shirt is too small for her)

Friday, April 24, 2009

strep

i haven't been sick in a really long time. like real sick. i have had little coughs here and there that last a day and go away. and of course self induced sickness when i drink too much and spend the next day groaning and vomiting.

but i am for real sick. strep throat. bad. very bad.

i forgot how miserable it is to be sick. simple things become difficult. like talking. or swallowing my own saliva.

on the plus side i have not eaten anything except a little chicken noodle soup for 3 days. and i vomited all day wednesday. so i probably lost weight right?

har har har.

i guess my throat looked pretty freaky because the doc called in 2 nurses to look....all of them made awful faces. and then the she gave me a prescription for vicodin.

ok. i am going back to bed.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

riley quote #439

"i wish i wasn't a human. i wish i was a fairy. or a mermaid. or a princess. then i could fly around, or swim, or sit in a castle."

riley, 4.21.09

Monday, April 20, 2009

cute? sad? scary?

seen on Alki beach yesterday:


a hungover me with lil green puffball

















the pink one has done this before












it was a lil windy

Saturday, April 18, 2009

so hair happy!!

my hair is back to "normal"!

i love bleach!

and i ran 4 times this week! i can run 3 miles and it feels good! yay! i am feeling confident that i will actually be able to finish the "beat the bridge" 5 mile run next month with sarah.

what else? oh! get the vanilla drop martini at the B&O cafe on capitol hill. it is wonderful. a mix of vanilla vodka, lemon and pineapple. it is dreamy.


i feel like i need to share my hair...so i just took this:












i am in my running clothes and could use a shower and some makeup...but you get the point.



ps how cute is coco?! i love her!

enough already

i am SO SICK of reading these stories. please people, if you are going to kill yourself...go ahead! have at it! blow your brains out*! but DO NOT take your entire family with you. this is the 3rd story like this in the last month. what is wrong with people?


*or get help from a professional.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

love me some baby photos

i spent the day with my dear friend, Sarah, and her adorable children. we went for a fantastic and difficult run (difficult for me, not Sarah).

i took some photos of Sadie.....one of my favorite subjects.....and um......don't you just want to eat her up? i can't stand it! she is magic.
























for more sadie pictures go here

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

another quote

"i am going to tell you a secret, but you can't tell anyone. i am a leopard."

-riley 4/13/09

Monday, April 13, 2009

thank god it is over

thoughts on 5 day juice detox:

i had wanted to do this for awhile and wondered if i had the strength. it really was a challenge to go 5 days without sugar, alcohol, caffeine (i caved once and had 1/2 cup of coffee) and all the other crap i eat. day one and two were fine...it is kind of a fun little challenge to focus on and i enjoyed finding fun detox tea's and juice combos. i felt healthy and accomplished. i really did feel like the toxins left my body a couple days into it. day three and four were very difficult. i was starving and cranky and the thrill was over. i thought about cake constantly. on day four i felt really weak.

i think it is a good exercise and beneficial for 3 days. after that it sucked. i think it is a good way to kick off a new diet or eating routine. i do plan an eating healthier for a bit....i mean excluding yesterday's eggs benny and grits for brunch, steak for dinner, coconut cupcakes for dessert (and breakfast this morning)....

but overall, even with all that, i do feel like i don't need the sugar and alcohol like i did before.

i really don't think coffee is bad. i love coffee. it is a great appetite suppressant and my fave diet tool. i know how backward that sounds after i just said i plan on eating healthier. but it is true. coffee as a snack while dieting really helps. so does cutting back on crap, smaller portions, whole grain, lots of veggies, lean protein, yadda yadda. but seriously....the most weight i have ever lost on a "diet" was when i was drinking coffee for breakfast and lunch and having a healthy dinner. not that i would suggest this. but it worked. i'm just sayin.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

detox day 4

day 4 of juice detox:

i don't think i have gone 4 days without sugar since i was an infant. weird things are happening. i have night sweats, carrots tastes sweet, i drool a lot for no reason (last night i drooled on Dan's arm...saliva just poured out of my mouth, like half my brain suddenly stopped working and i lost bodily function on my saliva glands) and i keep getting the chills. are these signs of detox or starvation?

i have been impressed with my will power....because normally i have absolutely none. i once went on weight watchers and was told i could have 19 "points"....whatever the fuck that means....and i was flipping through the little book and learned i could have something like 4 graham crackers for 3 points. i don't even really like graham crackers and never eat them, but i ate about 23 graham crackers....so about 18 points worth. needless to say, i gained 5 lbs my first week on weight watchers and then i quit.

so i am amazed that i have not given up yet.....i really miss baking and drinking, my two favorite pastimes (and really...my only pastimes other than eating and blogging....and i have not been eating....so i guess all i can do now is blog. starve and blog.)

i had a moment of clarity yesterday when my mom stressed me out. my normal reaction is to reach for the vodka....and i actually had a moment of panic because i had to deal with my stress soberly...i mean i still love vodka, but it does not solve my problems. i know....big, right? i could just go to AA and start eating now that i have solved this obvious problem in my life.....man i miss food. i miss eating food so much. the way it smells and looks and tastes!

can you tell i am delirious?


i went to the post office today and this woman in front of me was taking FOREVER to fill out some papers and forms she clearly could have done at home and then i overheard the postal worker ask for her birthday and she said May something 1979. wha? gasp! i could not get over it. she looked at least 45. and i kept thinking NO. NO. no way am i the same age as that middle aged woman. NO.

i wanted to run out of there and go strait to a young funky salon and bleach the crap out of my hair. i wanted to run home and change into a sexy flirty dress and slutty heels.

but most of all, i wanted her to hurry the fuck up so i could go get some juice.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

juice detox day 3

i am starving all the time. last night i had dreams about giant easter buffets, grits with loads of butter and dutch babies. i have had a headache since last night. i caved and had 1/2 cup of coffee this morning and it felt like total indulgence.

other than that, starvation feels so healthy*!

oh and the mental clarity* and personal strength* i am gaining from all this will power!

this detox feels so good*!



*the lies i tell myself

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

why, anthro, why?

$174 ?!

seriously?

yet another bad day

i feel like a broken pathetic mess of a human.

i am failing at recovering from the emotional sucker punch in december. total fail.

sure, some days are better. sure sometimes i even see babies and have no pain in my chest. sometimes i can even talk about the future without sobbing. so, i guess i have made some small steps forward (i originally wrote "baby steps" and then deleted it because it made me slightly sad.....thus contradicting the entire statement altogether).

truth: i am a mess. i am having an emotional breakdown. i am so close to running away, breaking every lamp, shaving my head, and tattooing my face.

either that or i will curl up in a ball and sob for a few hours and then feel better until next time i hear about another person i know getting pregnant. (i swear....i really am happy for everyone...i am just self obsessed right now with my own pain and lack of pregnancy)

i know how pathetic all this sounds. which is truly torturing. i am aware that i have so much to be happy about. i am aware that i sound like a weak ,whiny, jealous, crazy woman who just wants a baby...even though i already have a beautiful child.....and that there are women out there with real problems like starving to death and spousal abuse and botched lipo and botox addiction*.


*that was me attempting to be funny even though i feel like kicking walls.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

baby come back!

the child is leaving again. this is always hard. tonight it seems even harder. i am not sure why...it could be because this is the first time she has said " i don't want to go, momma. i want to stay here." i think it is also hard because i didn't really think this trip was going to happen. i put it so far out of my mind that it felt like a cruel surprise.

we had a relaxing night. watched musicals. ordered pizza. i took a bath with riley. this is something we used to do so often....and now, not so much. partly because of her getting older, but mostly because i like my bath water a lot hotter than her and i am not so into playing with barbies. but tonight it was so lovely. we put on a moisturizing face masks (i washed the mascara off my eyes and she goes "whoa....you look freaky"....she said this in the softest, terrified cutest voice). we chatted. i explained the difference between smoke and steam. after we put on our cozies, cuddled up and read dr. suess.

i already miss her.

Monday, March 23, 2009

never thought i would go here....but i am totally here.

i MUST buy this sweater for coco. it is not an option. it is like i have no control over the hand entering credit card info.


















oh. um. she NEEDS this hat.




















for more awesome handmade dog sweaters and hats (and even matching human hats!) please click here.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

springaling

riley just burst through the front door and screamed "spring is here! come see!"

it still looks a little gray and wet to me...but every once in awhile the sun peeks out. our tulips are blooming...we have 3 that have survived the pitterpat of dog paws. i actually did some yard work yesterday....for about 10 minutes.

i had a nightmare last night that i went to paint our bedroom and the ceiling was like 20 feet tall. and i remember saying "i don't remember these walls being so tall..."

to do list for spring:

paint bedroom. this involves some moving and dismantling of furniture. we are moving our bedroom to the back guest room and repainting the guest room because i can't sleep in a green room for some reason.

move into back room, make new guest room into office

paint new office/guest room

front fence. this has been on my list for 4 years.

trim everything dead out of yard and plant living stuff



here is a color i was thinking about for the guest room. i think it looks calm and cozy. dan refusing to talk to me about potential colors or moods for a room....so i need input...too purple? too girly? too neutral? not neutral enough? i know this is wall paper....but i like the color. ps the guest bed is similar to this one....but white not ivory. i really like the ivory in this image because it adds a softness. i think it could still look nice with white....opinions?


















also, while i am asking the one or two people that read this for comments....and if my mom is the only one that posts i will not be surprised (hi mom!)......do we think i could wear this romper in public and not get laughed at (or offered money for services)? i really like rompers....and denim rompers are so ghetto fabulous and adorable....but i am slightly heavier than this chick. thoughts?

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

want

want want want. most days.....i think all this wanting is toxic. silly. unhealthy. i would like to reach a consistent place of content in all areas of my life....because....if i am really honest....i have everything i need. i have everything i want. my life is truly amazing.....why waste all this energy wanting? why do i always seek more and more? it is ugly, ugly ugly.

but my birthday is coming up. so that changes everything.


with that said....i want:




this baby otter










crocheted sushi















this puffy bunny ball













(oh and an anthropologie shopping spree, breast implants, and a gardener to make our yard look how i imagine)