Wednesday, July 22, 2009


I had some blood taken today for some tests. this is the second time this week i have driven to the lab to get poked and drained. i sat in the chair and it felt familiar. i am indifferent to the process of getting blood taken, like most adults. but, i remember so vividly what it felt like the first time i had to give blood. i remember the long hallway at the pediatrician. the posters of kittens and ponies on the wall. the pain. oh the pain. it was awful and terrifying. i felt sick and like i might die. today i barely noticed and chatted about coffee as each vile filled up.

pain is so relative. when i was pregnant with Riley i remember reading about getting an epidural and being freaked out. a needle in your spine? are you kidding? it sounded awful and terrifying. until i was in labor and the pain of contractions made the thought of needle in my spine sound like being tickled with a feather. suddenly, i didn't care AT ALL about the potential wussy pain of getting an epidural.

and emotional pain.....funny how my many "heartbreaks" over the years feel like nothing now that i know the heartbreak of losing a baby. not that i should compare the feeling of being cheated on or dumped to the loss of life. but i feel like my heart is a numb lump these days.

I have always been against this....the idea of becoming numb after something painful. i was conscious to not put walls up around myself after bad relationships or shy away from potential love for fear of being hurt again....i knew to feel was powerful and to hide would only leave me alone and miserable. and it worked. i was open to love and fell for Dan quickly. it was irrational. i was vulnerable. but it was the only way i could be. and it worked. I love him more truly and deeply than i ever imagined possible....and it happened instantly.

and a different area of my heart.....i feel closed and numb. i feel scared and brick by brick i am building walls. what if i can't get pregnant again? what if i have miscarriage after miscarriage? how many times can i go through it? the first time destroyed me. it broke me into so many pieces. it took months and months before i felt ok. and the second one?

well, pain is relative. it hurts less because i have felt it before. because i have to wall off that area or i would crumble. so i was numb. my expectations were low this time. because now i am overwhelmingly aware that a positive pregnancy test does not mean you will have a baby.

but it still hurts. it hurts in a way that is tangible. that i will feel forever. i feel it every time a hear another woman tell me she also had one. it used to mean nothing to me. had a miscarriage.....that must have been hard.....but i feel it like i would if i was stabbed. and i want to hug them and cry for their pain. the disappointment and total extreme from joy and hope to loss and despair is completely crushing and disorienting.

but we survive. and hopefully try, try again. next time i am going to wrap myself in bubble wrap and sleep in an oxygen chamber for the first 12 weeks.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Ferry to Vashon

we went to the strawberry festival on Vashon today. It was lovely. for some reason, I only took pictures on the ferry.

We took coco and she did pretty well considering the heat and the mob of people....and the parade....and all the dogs she felt the need to lunge least our arms are still in socket.

My husband is so nummy. i LOVE lots n stuff.

in other news, i still need a freaking haircut.

Friday, July 10, 2009

just a little friday vent about douchbags

i was reminded last night why i don't like most people.

i know there are a lot of great people out there. i have met some, yes. but....more times than not i meet someone like my cousin's friend.....

i mentioned Spain wasn't my favorite place. i did not connect with the place....and compared to other places i was my least favorite.

cousin's friend had a real hard time with this. lots of eye rolling and disbelief....and implying that i was SO STUPID i just didn't know that Spain was awesome. i must have done something wrong.

he actually said "maybe you looked like a tourist".

really? really smart guy? really whitey?

I HAVE FUCKING BLOND HAIR AND BLUE EYES. yes, i fucking looked like a tourist. i am sure you looked totally European in your douchbag baseball cap, cargo shorts and REI backpack, you fucktard.

i just hate people. and i fail at faking it as i have gotten older.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


this made me laugh for way too long....

"you should buy this shampoo i saw on TV. it comes in different flavors i think you would like. it comes in coconut........and plain? what do you call it? the white kind? .....vanilla!"

-riley in the car after being at my parents house and watching 2 hours of TV

i laughed so hard. the white kind. plain. also know as vanilla.

i don't know why some of the things she says really make me happy. but this one did.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

only veggies from now on

"every time i see your tummy it looks bigger"

riley, today in the dressing room.

i am going on a diet.

actually, i am never eating again.

oh, and i am never taking her into another dressing room again.