Thursday, April 30, 2009

did i ask you for attention when affection is what i need?

i know i mentioned this before....but i love me some metric. enjoy.

this morning


That everything's inevitable.
That fate is whatever has already happened.
The brain, which is as elemental, as sane, as the rest of the processing universe is.
In this world, I am the surest thing.
Scrunched-up arms, folded legs, lovely destitute eyes.
Please insert your spare coins.
I am filling them up.
Please insert your spare vision, your vigor, your vim.
But yet, I am a vatic one.
As vatic as the Vatican.
In the temper and the tantrum, in the well-kept arboretum
I am waiting, like an animal,
For poetry.

-Katy Lederer

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

somewhere on a wednesday

there was a loose string on her sweater. she tugged it free and slowly wrapped it around her finger. around and around. tightly. she watched her fingertip turn purple. released the little thread tourniquet and watched the color spread back to peachy. she did it again.

at least i have blood in my veins, she thought.

earlier, when she was in the shower she noticed that her tears got lost in the gentle spray of water. they were the same tepid temperature. it was like they weren't there at really, what was the point.

when she drives she has the urge to quickly turn the wheel into the center median. she imagines her car cartwheeling down the empty freeway. she wonders if she would lose consciousness immediately or would she feel each flip, each crunch, each break. she imagines it being silent. like the silence that follows fire alarms and gunshots.

she has lost track of time again. she only notices because a stranger asks for the hour.
it is now, she thinks. no, it is now. but, no....that was then. she wonders if she could sit in one spot and count each second of the day. then she would be aware of each present moment. announcing it and therefore living in the now. is that how it is done?

the guy at the counter likes her hair, her eyes, her skin. but she thinks he probably only likes her because she isn't his. they always like everything until they have it. such a cruel fact, she thinks. we never want what we have.
she will never have anything so she loves everyone....or is it she will never love anyone so she can have everything? she can never remember which. but she is sure it is the answer.

she walks on the grass. how long has it been the same season? there are eleven birds in one tree. next to the bird tree is the plum tree in full bloom. tiny white flower pompoms that smell of honey. they weren't there yesterday. suddenly and unexpectedly, she laughs. how quietly everything can change. she hopes to be as sneaky as the plum tree.

Monday, April 27, 2009

the struggle

Love is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.
-Iris Murdoch

i once compared believing in love to believing in god.

believing in something you can't really see. can't really prove. you have all these books, all this art, poems, novels. so many words to explain something that, in the end, is a concept you either believe in, or don't. you either feel it, or don't.

i remember wondering what love would feel like. would i know? is it obvious? will i hear music?
is it like how you know when an egg is boiled or how long to knead dough? will i just know?

it can be that simple, but it isn't. yes i just knew, but doubts are everywhere. yes, it is perfect, but in all it's flaws.

is that it? is it an evolving concept? does love mean one thing now, a different thing then, and something else tomorrow?

i watch my child capture bug after bug. she names them and secures them in jars. loves them and talks about them endlessly. one by one they die, she dumps them in the yard and she finds a new one.

not to sound bleak, but, is it just in our human nature to love and destroy and repeat?

is the trick in marriage to love, crash, cry, re-evaluate, psycho-analyze, love, crash, repeat?

i know there are no answers and i know the important thing is simply the want. the discussion. the value. the believing.

i think about this a lot: in this culture we don't like any weakness. we do not talk about the ugly side of everything beautiful. and it is there!! i remember being pregnant and saying "no one ever tells you this part!".....because no one does. we talk about our perfect lives, our perfect children and our wonderful marriages. but nothing is ever easy and perfect! sometimes i post very honest things on here...and it is hard. it exposes those unwanted feelings...the vulnerability of being (gasp) flawed, weak, unsure, imperfect. but, i do it because i feel it is important to acknowledge the struggle. and anyone who tells me they don't lying....or i need to be on the drug they are on.

sew cool

i sew want this. i would sew love it. it is sew super rad awesome.
i sew wish i knew how to sew.

i wish this sewing machine came with a grandma to give me little loving instructions. i wish i could special order a grandma. she would also know how to knit. and she would be very patient with me. and she would call me "dear" and "sweetie" and we would bake things like bread and casseroles and bundt cakes. we would quilt and talk about love and life and how time changes everything. we would drink tea every afternoon and she would speak in phrases like "when life gives you lemons...." or "what doesn't kill you...." or "you just got to roll with the....." and i would say "oh grandma" and roll my eyes like she is so out of touch. but then i would realize that life really can be simplified into phrases. i would appreciate my special order grandma and all her little sayings. she is like a prophet. she would tell me that a good stew and a stiff drink can fix any marital troubles.

that would be sew cool.


i remember crating her as a puppy so this would not happen. i think i failed.

spreading weeds looks so artsy.

spring! (i think that shirt is too small for her)

Friday, April 24, 2009


i haven't been sick in a really long time. like real sick. i have had little coughs here and there that last a day and go away. and of course self induced sickness when i drink too much and spend the next day groaning and vomiting.

but i am for real sick. strep throat. bad. very bad.

i forgot how miserable it is to be sick. simple things become difficult. like talking. or swallowing my own saliva.

on the plus side i have not eaten anything except a little chicken noodle soup for 3 days. and i vomited all day wednesday. so i probably lost weight right?

har har har.

i guess my throat looked pretty freaky because the doc called in 2 nurses to look....all of them made awful faces. and then the she gave me a prescription for vicodin.

ok. i am going back to bed.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

riley quote #439

"i wish i wasn't a human. i wish i was a fairy. or a mermaid. or a princess. then i could fly around, or swim, or sit in a castle."

riley, 4.21.09

Monday, April 20, 2009

cute? sad? scary?

seen on Alki beach yesterday:

a hungover me with lil green puffball

the pink one has done this before

it was a lil windy

Saturday, April 18, 2009

so hair happy!!

my hair is back to "normal"!

i love bleach!

and i ran 4 times this week! i can run 3 miles and it feels good! yay! i am feeling confident that i will actually be able to finish the "beat the bridge" 5 mile run next month with sarah.

what else? oh! get the vanilla drop martini at the B&O cafe on capitol hill. it is wonderful. a mix of vanilla vodka, lemon and pineapple. it is dreamy.

i feel like i need to share my i just took this:

i am in my running clothes and could use a shower and some makeup...but you get the point.

ps how cute is coco?! i love her!

enough already

i am SO SICK of reading these stories. please people, if you are going to kill yourself...go ahead! have at it! blow your brains out*! but DO NOT take your entire family with you. this is the 3rd story like this in the last month. what is wrong with people?

*or get help from a professional.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

love me some baby photos

i spent the day with my dear friend, Sarah, and her adorable children. we went for a fantastic and difficult run (difficult for me, not Sarah).

i took some photos of of my favorite subjects.....and um......don't you just want to eat her up? i can't stand it! she is magic.

for more sadie pictures go here

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

another quote

"i am going to tell you a secret, but you can't tell anyone. i am a leopard."

-riley 4/13/09

Monday, April 13, 2009

thank god it is over

thoughts on 5 day juice detox:

i had wanted to do this for awhile and wondered if i had the strength. it really was a challenge to go 5 days without sugar, alcohol, caffeine (i caved once and had 1/2 cup of coffee) and all the other crap i eat. day one and two were is kind of a fun little challenge to focus on and i enjoyed finding fun detox tea's and juice combos. i felt healthy and accomplished. i really did feel like the toxins left my body a couple days into it. day three and four were very difficult. i was starving and cranky and the thrill was over. i thought about cake constantly. on day four i felt really weak.

i think it is a good exercise and beneficial for 3 days. after that it sucked. i think it is a good way to kick off a new diet or eating routine. i do plan an eating healthier for a bit....i mean excluding yesterday's eggs benny and grits for brunch, steak for dinner, coconut cupcakes for dessert (and breakfast this morning)....

but overall, even with all that, i do feel like i don't need the sugar and alcohol like i did before.

i really don't think coffee is bad. i love coffee. it is a great appetite suppressant and my fave diet tool. i know how backward that sounds after i just said i plan on eating healthier. but it is true. coffee as a snack while dieting really helps. so does cutting back on crap, smaller portions, whole grain, lots of veggies, lean protein, yadda yadda. but seriously....the most weight i have ever lost on a "diet" was when i was drinking coffee for breakfast and lunch and having a healthy dinner. not that i would suggest this. but it worked. i'm just sayin.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

detox day 4

day 4 of juice detox:

i don't think i have gone 4 days without sugar since i was an infant. weird things are happening. i have night sweats, carrots tastes sweet, i drool a lot for no reason (last night i drooled on Dan's arm...saliva just poured out of my mouth, like half my brain suddenly stopped working and i lost bodily function on my saliva glands) and i keep getting the chills. are these signs of detox or starvation?

i have been impressed with my will power....because normally i have absolutely none. i once went on weight watchers and was told i could have 19 "points"....whatever the fuck that means....and i was flipping through the little book and learned i could have something like 4 graham crackers for 3 points. i don't even really like graham crackers and never eat them, but i ate about 23 graham about 18 points worth. needless to say, i gained 5 lbs my first week on weight watchers and then i quit.

so i am amazed that i have not given up yet.....i really miss baking and drinking, my two favorite pastimes (and only pastimes other than eating and blogging....and i have not been i guess all i can do now is blog. starve and blog.)

i had a moment of clarity yesterday when my mom stressed me out. my normal reaction is to reach for the vodka....and i actually had a moment of panic because i had to deal with my stress soberly...i mean i still love vodka, but it does not solve my problems. i know....big, right? i could just go to AA and start eating now that i have solved this obvious problem in my i miss food. i miss eating food so much. the way it smells and looks and tastes!

can you tell i am delirious?

i went to the post office today and this woman in front of me was taking FOREVER to fill out some papers and forms she clearly could have done at home and then i overheard the postal worker ask for her birthday and she said May something 1979. wha? gasp! i could not get over it. she looked at least 45. and i kept thinking NO. NO. no way am i the same age as that middle aged woman. NO.

i wanted to run out of there and go strait to a young funky salon and bleach the crap out of my hair. i wanted to run home and change into a sexy flirty dress and slutty heels.

but most of all, i wanted her to hurry the fuck up so i could go get some juice.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

juice detox day 3

i am starving all the time. last night i had dreams about giant easter buffets, grits with loads of butter and dutch babies. i have had a headache since last night. i caved and had 1/2 cup of coffee this morning and it felt like total indulgence.

other than that, starvation feels so healthy*!

oh and the mental clarity* and personal strength* i am gaining from all this will power!

this detox feels so good*!

*the lies i tell myself

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

why, anthro, why?

$174 ?!


yet another bad day

i feel like a broken pathetic mess of a human.

i am failing at recovering from the emotional sucker punch in december. total fail.

sure, some days are better. sure sometimes i even see babies and have no pain in my chest. sometimes i can even talk about the future without sobbing. so, i guess i have made some small steps forward (i originally wrote "baby steps" and then deleted it because it made me slightly sad.....thus contradicting the entire statement altogether).

truth: i am a mess. i am having an emotional breakdown. i am so close to running away, breaking every lamp, shaving my head, and tattooing my face.

either that or i will curl up in a ball and sob for a few hours and then feel better until next time i hear about another person i know getting pregnant. (i swear....i really am happy for everyone...i am just self obsessed right now with my own pain and lack of pregnancy)

i know how pathetic all this sounds. which is truly torturing. i am aware that i have so much to be happy about. i am aware that i sound like a weak ,whiny, jealous, crazy woman who just wants a baby...even though i already have a beautiful child.....and that there are women out there with real problems like starving to death and spousal abuse and botched lipo and botox addiction*.

*that was me attempting to be funny even though i feel like kicking walls.