july....

I had some blood taken today for some tests. this is the second time this week i have driven to the lab to get poked and drained. i sat in the chair and it felt familiar. i am indifferent to the process of getting blood taken, like most adults. but, i remember so vividly what it felt like the first time i had to give blood. i remember the long hallway at the pediatrician. the posters of kittens and ponies on the wall. the pain. oh the pain. it was awful and terrifying. i felt sick and like i might die. today i barely noticed and chatted about coffee as each vile filled up.

pain is so relative. when i was pregnant with Riley i remember reading about getting an epidural and being freaked out. a needle in your spine? are you kidding? it sounded awful and terrifying. until i was in labor and the pain of contractions made the thought of needle in my spine sound like being tickled with a feather. suddenly, i didn't care AT ALL about the potential wussy pain of getting an epidural.

and emotional pain.....funny how my many "heartbreaks" over the years feel like nothing now that i know the heartbreak of losing a baby. not that i should compare the feeling of being cheated on or dumped to the loss of life. but i feel like my heart is a numb lump these days.

I have always been against this....the idea of becoming numb after something painful. i was conscious to not put walls up around myself after bad relationships or shy away from potential love for fear of being hurt again....i knew to feel was powerful and to hide would only leave me alone and miserable. and it worked. i was open to love and fell for Dan quickly. it was irrational. i was vulnerable. but it was the only way i could be. and it worked. I love him more truly and deeply than i ever imagined possible....and it happened instantly.

and now...in a different area of my heart.....i feel closed and numb. i feel scared and brick by brick i am building walls. what if i can't get pregnant again? what if i have miscarriage after miscarriage? how many times can i go through it? the first time destroyed me. it broke me into so many pieces. it took months and months before i felt ok. and the second one?

well, pain is relative. it hurts less because i have felt it before. because i have to wall off that area or i would crumble. so i was numb. my expectations were low this time. because now i am overwhelmingly aware that a positive pregnancy test does not mean you will have a baby.

but it still hurts. it hurts in a way that is tangible. that i will feel forever. i feel it every time a hear another woman tell me she also had one. it used to mean nothing to me. oh...you had a miscarriage.....that must have been hard.....but now......now i feel it like i would if i was stabbed. and i want to hug them and cry for their pain. the disappointment and total extreme from joy and hope to loss and despair is completely crushing and disorienting.

but we survive. and hopefully try, try again. next time i am going to wrap myself in bubble wrap and sleep in an oxygen chamber for the first 12 weeks.