frozen

no internet and no car.

i feel like someone hit the pause button on my life.

nothing is happening.
i can't move.
i find it hard to care about anything.

the city talks of flooding and storms and wind.
i could be swept away and barely notice.



i need to reboot. someone please reboot me. or at least shake me as hard as you can.

what my husband was doing while i was packing for reno

playing with star wars legos.

2009. it will be better. won't be too hard to do.

oh hi.

so here i am, at my parents house...brushing a dying cat.

it won't be long now. i keep telling him all about the catnip and perfect frolicking meadows he is about to pounce to. or at least the end of his suffering.


how is that for uplifting? don't worry, i have more.


here is to the end of 2008!

let me be the last to say it...."eff you 2008"
(i know i am late with this blog...due to.....well, every bad thing possible that has kept me in hibernation for the past couple weeks)

here is why i hate you, 2008:

really? my dad with kidney cancer? eff you.
um...remember gas prices? total effing dumb.
sibling wars and family division. effing awesome.
the economy and how everyone i know seems to be going broke. rad.
my cousin....like he hasn't gone through enough. why not add on more pain. eff you.
don't worry i saved the best for last...
a miscarriage. in a snowstorm. before christmas.
i hate snow. i hate ballard. i hate driving in seattle if it snows. i hate everything.


i have a lot of anger at the moment.


so. 2009. bring it.
i have a couple of hopes...

my dad will stay cancer free
i will get pregnant again and stay that way for 9 months (hopefully with less nausea than last time...)
my lovely sister-in-law, shelly, will also have a healthy pregnancy
obama will make me proud
hawaii in february


i know all this seems personal. and it is. but, hey.....welcome to my blog.


now on to happier thoughts....because i need to focus:

i LOVE my husband. so much. like a huge weight of love on my chest. like i can't breath because of this love crushing me. like i am floating in love. it is a feather. it is the softest love. the sharpest love. it holds on so tight and sets me free.
















(i know, gushy and so gross)


puppy!!! what a difference a puppy makes. she is the best distraction....and the timing was perfect. i needed her. meet coco chanel:




































riley is my little shining star......sure, she is completely difficult and argumentative and feircly independent.....but she is also so sweet. and tough as nails. and i am so proud of her.




















i read all four Twilight books in 5 days.

i actually had a conversation with an 11 year old girl about how great Twilight is. i am not kidding. dan walked over and whispered in my ear "you are talking about Twilight"....this of course snapped me out of it.

everyone should be worried about me. i might dress up and go see the movie. i am coming unglued.



ok bye.

blek

we have no internet. hopefully this is temporary.

also...all i do these days is gag. i am not quite a functioning human. i don't shower, do dishes, put on make-up, cook, run or blog. all i do is gag, sleep, complain, moan, cry, and force feed myself.

food has become my enemy. an old lover i must keep in contact with even though i find it revolting. sure, sure we had some good times. sure, i used to cherish you. but now i find you awful...but i need you for survival. curse you, food!


so...aside from all this....life is wonderful and magical.

blame barbie

this picture really makes me chuckle.














speaking of presents....i am just...about......done with my list. hooray!
i have absolutely no idea how i am going to pack everything in our suitcase for Reno.....but it will be done!

have you seen how barbie™ crap is packaged? or really any kids stuff.....so much plastic packaging.....a huge plastic dome...this will somehow fit with other plastic bubbles in our suitcase.....

the bigger question here is why in hell did i actually purchase barbie crap for my child? after so many years of loudly protesting anything related to barbie...after the long conversations i had with a toddler about healthy body image and real expectations of beauty. after year after year saying "no" every single time riley asked "pleeeease can i have a barbie?"
why?
well.....because i am weak. because she wants it so bad. because, if you were to ask her why her mother doesn't like barbie, she would say "because women don't look like barbie".
and because i have found a tiny loophole in my own vapid rule. if the barbie is one of the disney princess's....then i guess it isn't that bad.....right?
so she will be getting the little mermaid....not barbie.....(this is what i tell myself). she is getting a pink pegasus...not the barbie fairy horse.


i can't believe we will be coming home with a puppy. i am so excited.

with any luck....the puppy will chew the barbie into flattened, punctured, scarred, burn victim with extreme deformities and missing limbs. this will give me an opportunity to lecture her about how everyone, even barbie, should be loved with flaws and missing parts. so what barbie only has one hand and is missing half her hair!.....she still has a good heart. and look how pretty her other hand is!

i have problems.
i blame the barbie's i played with as a child. and my parents, of course.

someday, riley will have serious issues because of me and my attempts to save her from the ugliness of the world. she will hate and resent me.

or maybe she won't and she will be totally rad and confident and creative and strong and will thank me for my amazing mothering.

or maybe she will be a little of both. like most of us.

of comfort and joy

our tree!!!

here in december

it feels like the confetti
of rain
here is december
running in any weather

the sky is celebrating
a happiness so deep in my chest
beauty is everywhere
and almost blinding

tears come easily now
i don't mind
(the rain hides them anyway)
in pines and cedars
the mush of old leaves
under so many silent steps


here in fog. in mud.
in the soggiest of grass.
here in winter.

i have never been so warm.