pass the pudding

there is no good reason for why i have not been blogging on here....except i have another blog, and a boob blog where i post pervey pictures of my friends.

i still feel like i have plenty to say here, much to praise, words to combine, thoughts to express.....and of course i still have much to bitch about.

summer is almost over. i should clarify and say "summer is almost over for RILEY" because i have been on summer vacation for 2 years.

this summer....with riley.....sounded like this:

lookatme mom watch this mom look mom look look look watch this look at me lookatme watch this lookmom lookmom looklooklook watchme watchmewatchme mom LOOK AT ME MOM

and i did a lot of looking at watching and playing. but not enough for riley.
she has already started her christmas list, people. it is August. she wants an ipod, a handheld video game thing, a scooter, and another baby buggy.

an ipod.

she is 6.

i think there is a good balance these days of those amazing my-daughter-is-wonderful-i-am-so-lucky feelings with those who-the-fuck-is-this-little-monster feelings.....

this summer i really appreciated having lunch like a 6 year old....we ate hotdogs and drank ovaltine. we enjoyed bowls of chicken n stars, graham crackers in milk....we made tuna sammies and ate chips.

i think i have gained about 10 lbs. add that to the 10 i never got rid of last december....and i am officially fatter.

and i don't know if it is because the last year has been one of the most devastating* years of my life or if age has made me numb to everything (a combo perhaps?) but i don't care. i don't care about much. i literally went from the thought "i should start a diet today and have a nice smoothie for breakfast" to "pancakes it is!" in under 2 minutes.

i will probably hit a disgusted point and want to starve myself like always..but not yet. i guess this is what "letting yourself go" feels like. it feels like making chocolate pudding at midnight and only wearing elastic waistbands. it feels like an extra jiggle while you are towel drying but forgetting it instantly because there is still someone in bed who will sleep with you. because love is cool like that. and because he "let himself go" too....so you both are chubby and totally into each other and can you pass the chocolate pudding please.


*devastating but also wonderful. i love my life. it just hurts me sometimes.


note: i started a blog all about trying to get and stay pregnant. wouldn't want to bore anyone here with baby thoughts. not that anyone reads either of them. i don't know who i think i am....but i do know i like to spread myself all over the internet. it is sad, really. i guess i blog more of myself because it feels somewhat better than sharing all my thoughts with a warm body and having a blank expression in return. i started the baby blog to spare my friends the awkwardness of trying to find something to say every time i bring it up. and i also got tired of people telling me to just "relax and try not to think about it". so....now i blog about it. to the vast openness of the blogiverse.