i have a headache

you'll plummet like a stone
a limestone statue
a heavenly bit
and when you hit
there'll be only a thud

you fall
when wings are built with straw and mud

my emo holiday

i have been listening to a lot of bright eyes this week. i had his christmas album once...but i have misplaced it....or some ex-boyfriend probably stole it so they wouldn't have to be tortured by my repeat blaring. man, it was good...i should buy it again. like, i had to buy ani's "living in clip" 4 times because it would mysteriously disappear or get totally scratched....i look back now and wonder if i had missed something.

"i need some meaning i can memorize. the kind i have always seems to slip my mind"....aw, conor.....yes.....

bright eyes pulls my emo heartstrings. he tickles that part of my soul that wants to wear a scarf and sit in the rain. he reminds me of a time when i defined myself by heartbreak, and when hurt meant something meaningful.....but really....when you look back....once you grow up and move on and find happiness.....you look back and think "holy shit that sucked. i was so miserable".

funny how there is something comforting about the pain from heartbreak.

it might also be dwelling in memories...it can feel profound and romantic to look back.

so...anyway. i made caramels. it was intense.
don't fuck around with 250 degree sugar.
also, don't binge on caramels. i had a sugar headache for 18 hours.

i really love cafe presse on 12th and madison. it is a little french cafe and i want to have breakfast there everyday. the hard cooked eggs....the yogurt with honey and walnuts.....oh man.

ingredients for perfect

it snowed yesterday. this was exciting. riley and i made a mini snowman. i baked cookies. we drank eggnog and listened to john denver's christmas album.

last night, i drank hot lemon water with honey. i took a bath. a peppermint honey milk bath. it was heavenly. perfect.

then i put on clean cozies right from the dryer and cuddled up in bed. i dreamed about having babies.

back and tanner than ever

not really. but you know....not as pasty as i was....thank god.

hawaii was amazing. incredible. the best vacation of my life. really. it felt like a dream. like the rest of my life lately.

i had papaya 10 of the 12 days.

i went swimming with sea turtles.

i body surfed.

i climbed up a waterfall and took a dip in fresh hawaiian mountain water.

i drove our rental jeep through mud and rain and jungle.

we sat at on the beach for hours and watched the waves.

we did so much nothing and never got bored.

when we left kona it was 85. when we landed in seattle is was 35.

here is what bliss looks like:


we did a lot of laying around and staring at each other. i know....gross, right?

i was so much cooler when i was miserable and lonely.

now i am happy and boring.

oh well. i can live with that.

beachy

it is that time again. packing time. also called the time when i procrastinate until the cab comes at 6am. i mean really, all i need is a swimsuit and flipflops, right? and a tanktop, sexy short shorts, and a dress. done.

so i lost 10 lbs in the last month. yay me. i plan to eat 10 lbs of papaya in hawaii.

i also plan to frolic and splash about.

i can't wait to take naps in the sun...ocean hair...freckled cheeks...oh yes. yes. yes.

cactus coma

i think cactus puts msg in their food. i know this is a bold claim. every time i eat at cactus i get a headache and as soon as i get home i pass out on the couch and fall deep into an msg coma. last night i thought i would try a highly scientific experiment. I ordered a salad to eliminate the chance that this coma was caused from too much cheese. i almost passed out on the drive home. i actually considered propping my eyes open using the toothpick trick.
i plan on confronting them about this.

in other news: eggnog is back on the shelf. yessss. earlier every year. this year i found the organic valley eggnog at uwajimaya a week before halloween. and they say it is a christmas beverage. boy are they wrong.
p.s. that adventure at uwajimaya was stellar. not only did i find the nog, i discovered "men's pocky" which is dark chocolate pocky. why it is called "men's" i have no idea....other than asians are sexist.
also, dan locked us out of the car, with the engine running, in the rain, with our wallets and cell phones inside. it was amazing. all i had in my hand was the pocky...which i began stress eating immediately. it was hilarious. i waved down a police officer and he said he couldn't help us. really, what good are cops if they can't help you break into your car?

so anyway. eggnog in coffee is delicious. just a splash. seriously.

for tom

tracking down numbers. move after move. you tried to escape me. all i could do was follow. and hold on. move after move. and you moved on.

and you called years later. i stood in the rain. i couldn't tell you to leave her. but i think i did. and i wanted to try. to try. at least. and i said there are no guarantees . no guarantees. but i was pretty sure
you were meant for me.

but you ended it. that last call. i stood on the street. you were gone. gone. but you had been for years. now you were more gone. i guess.

and i still miss you. it's become something silly. like missing a dream. or a memory. and i am tired of missing you. so i am going to try not missing you. starting now.