when it is sunny and warm i want to be a hippie. i want to wear linen pants, hemp tank tops and silk dresses. i want backless shirts and long skirts. i want to smell like sun and sweat and sandalwood. i want to drink iced coffee from mason jars in the back yard and plant tomatoes. i want to go to the farmers market and pick up veggies, bread, milk, eggs and cheese and put them in a basket.
i think i am half hippie and half.....snobby materialistic asshole. i drive my car all the time. i spend too much money on clothes. i work in retail. i pay top dollar for makeup, shoes, lotion, condition and fancy french soaps. i don't like eating leftovers.
it has been too long since i read a book. i think the last book i read was in January. my brain feels a bit mushy. like if you stepped on my brain with bare feet it would come squishing out between your toes. and i miss that feeling in my chest when i read a poem that makes words beautiful and simple and heavy all at the same time.
i can't even find any of the books i used to love. the ones i have packed, unpacked, repacked and taken with me everywhere. this is a bad sign. is this what marriage is? i guess in part....you lose all these little things that used to define you as a single element and are redefined as part of a team with "couple" things like new toasters and furniture and dinners and movie nights....and your favorite books disappear in a pile of comic books....
i feel like i am going through something. i need to figure out what to do with my life. i didn't think i would ever say that again....but i feel like i should find meaning somewhere...and i find nothing in retail.....obviously.....and it has made me realize that i should do more and find what satisfies my soul.....but then the idea of going back to school makes me want to vomit and scream....and then cry.
it has been humbling. doing grunt work that high school kids could do. and they do...probably better than me. today i used a razor blade and scraped gum off the floor. i used to produce commercials for national clients with million dollar budgets. now i get people the right size pants and tell them to have a nice day.
so....that is that.
i watched this movie last night called state and main. i didn't really like it....but i laughed at a couple lines....like when alec baldwin, who plays an actor with a like of young girls, crashes a car into a traffic light pole and the car flips over and he climbs out and is all bloody and says "so...that just happened".....i laughed....and i keep quoting it when something shocking happens. like today i was behind a guy in a black honda that took the ramp from 520 to I-5 too fast and hit the wall and spun around in the middle of the ramp and both of his airbags burst out and he had blood all over his face.....i drove by and said "so that just happened".