said all the things she'll never hear

sometimes all it takes to move on is a deep breath. sometimes it is hours of therapy. sometimes it is time. mostly it is time.

i had a dream last night that i was kicking the shit out of someone. in real life, this person has been....hmm...the source of some hurt.

and that is all it took. this dream. i said all the things i needed to. i destroyed this person fairly and deservedly. and i woke up and felt at peace with it.

there are things i don't understand. i don't know why some people are cold and hurtful. i am starting to finally come to a place where i don't need to understand....i can still let it go. i can heal and move on. it hurts. people are disappointing and cruel. i can only continue to heal, forgive and focus on the amazing, wonderful blessings i have...rather than trying to make sense out of the people that disappoint me.

it is funny ....i have been really focused on a healthy mind and spirit.....a gentle and loving heart.....and not harboring negative or toxic feelings......and then i have this dream full of anger and violence that allows me to move on. i am sure i was holding onto some anger...even while trying not to, and it needed to come out.


Saturday was beautiful. 76 degrees. we walked to the pool for swim lessons. then walked to the beach. we walked for about 3 hours. and one hour on the beach. my calves are still sore.

i found this really delicious Hawaiian beer with liliko'i in it. i love it. it tastes best in my back yard in the sun.

i think it would be even better sitting on the beach in hawaii....but i try not to think about that.

also:

i am almost 29.
and i got a new job.
i am very, very excited.

cabin in the woods and other pipe dreams

i just opened a bill from seattle city light. i owe them $744.76. i have no idea why it is so high. the last bill i paid was in february for $175.51. i called to inquire and was passed around, put on hold, and eventually disconnected. if it was a cable company or a bank....i would say....thanks for all the suck and fuck you...i am taking my business somewhere else. but....i can't do that because they are the only company offering power in my area. so....i am officially being fucked by seattle city light.

i want to live in a cabin far far far away. i want a fireplace and solar energy. i want a big garden of organic veggies and fruit trees. i want a greenhouse and a compost pile. i want a bicycle and a dirt path that leads to the ocean. i want on outdoor dutch oven for summer pies. i want a field of lavender and an old empty barn. i want a clothesline between two large apple trees, and summer scented sheets blowing in the breeze. i want a pregnant belly and a hammock and fresh baked bread. i want a fucking clawfoot bathtub.

i hate seattle city light.

i don't smoke. but sometimes i do.

smoking is wrong and gross and unhealthy.

i like organic food. i drink raw milk. i enjoy kale and brown rice. i have not had a soda in 5 years. i don't buy food that has hydrogenated oil or high fructose corn syrup in it. we eat sprouted grain bread and free range, vegetarian fed, hormone free chicken. i think candy is gross. i won't eat boxed cookies. they scare me. what are they? what is in a ritz cracker? chemicals, that's what. nasty, toxic chemicals.

but....

I like to bake cakes, cookies, scones, muffins, and pies. i use sugar. lots of it. i make frosting with tons of butter and sugar and lick it off my fingers. i will bake cookies and eat 10 of them in a sitting, no problem. i can eat 5 cupcakes right now.

i also love alcohol. sweet sweet poison. i like beer. a lot. microbrews. ipa's. yum. i also really really enjoy vodka. i can go through a bottle in three days. and i have been known to drink mass quantities of champagne. i am drinking a beer right now.

which brings me to smoking. it is so gross. i actually see people smoking and think "nasty....why are they doing that? it is so unattractive and disgusting".

and then i smoke. not often. but i do. like....in the back yard....in the summer.....in the morning with a cup of strong coffee...listening to the birds......my feet in the grass.
or when i am sad and feel like crying and it is raining and windy and i am playing music loud i sit in the window and blow smoke through the screen.
or when i am driving and singing and a montage of memories like movie clips are flying around my head.
or when i am drunk.

but i don't smoke.

because i am healthy.

most of the time.

springtime snowfall

it is snowing. just when the cherry blossoms in the back yard were about to burst.

i am in love with the world.

my cat has snowflakes covering his fur. he looks like a bobcat in the montana wilderness. but....the dumb pansy version.

i didn't think it was possible, but i have maxed out on cake. i can't eat anymore. at least not today.

i am about to venture out in spring storm 2008. luckily, i am armed with a subaru and rainboots. nothing can harm me.

i went out last night with a friend...and after a few drinks....we decided to cut my hair. this is not a good idea.

i am in love with soko. she is the cutest thing since baby otters. in a contest between soko and kitten paw pads.....it would be close....but i think soko would win. but...you be the judge:

kitten paw pad:



Soko:




and to seal the deal:




i talked about her before....and posted a different song here

corned beef and poop

i have freckles but i am not Irish. i wish i was. but i am Scandinavian mutt. i do, however, like Guinness, Jameson, Oscar Wilde, potatoes, fog and corned beef.

i made 8 lbs of corned beef yesterday. this is my new Irish diet: i plan to eat corned beef hash for breakfast, Reuben's for lunch, and a sensible dinner (and by sensible i mean a Guinness or three).

but i do not get the cabbage. i searched and searched for a recipe for something other than boring cabbage....i found one that sounded promising because it involved two of my favorite things: bacon and beer. i don't know how something like cabbage can ruin these two pillars of fantastic, but it did. the result was nasty, mushy, and bitter.

there is this place in missoula that has the best reubens and sweet potato fries called the hobnob. i fantasize about this place. they have this special sauce (my guess is mayo and dijon) that i want to rub all over my body.

i talk a lot about food.

take my teeth, i don't need them anyway.

i woke up at 2:58 am in excruciating, blinding pain. i have another tooth that needs a root canal. it feels like a red hot screwdriver is being shoved through my tooth and into my skull.
if i could remove all my teeth and have dentures i would. i hate teeth. i fucking HATE teeth.

thank god i had a vicodin left over from the last root canal or i might have died.

oh, and the next available appointment is next friday. i have a week.

if anyone has a pair of pliers and a bottle of bourbon, i will pay you 100 dollars to remove the problem.

home, sweet project filled home.

i have transformed our home. it used to be a cluttered mess with potential. now....now it is spacious and clean. we now have a den. so exciting! the den used to be a room full of boxes and bags of clothes for the good will. it was a the definition of "wasted space" and now it is the definition of RAD. and the living room used to be cute and cozy....and now it is cute and spacious. like, you can breathe in it. or sit and read a book.

other ongoing project: the back deck. this used to be covered with astro turf. yes. ASTROTURF. it is now in a heap in the alley. the wood underneath looks great. by summer, this will be the place to be. did i mention we have a soft serve machine? yeah. uh huh.

next project: i will conquer the bedroom. it will be mine. i need to get rid of 80% of my clothes. i wear the same three outfits in rotation so really....i don't need the amount of clothes that i have....even if they are pretty and i love them. then, after the heap is gone, i will organize the dresser and closet. THEN i am going to paint! this is so exciting! and get new bedding!

this is what people with no jobs get excited about.

i also get excited about what to make for dinner, the new Domino magazine, laundry, our raccoons, and how much coffee i can drink in one day. and wearing slips, slippers and sweaters all day.

we have two resident raccoons. they have names. Phil is young and curious. he is a little timid. he likes to climb the tree in the back yard. His sleep cycle is off because he hangs out during daylight hours. This might be due to day light savings. Scar is older and i think female. she has either been tortured my humans or run over by a car. she is missing half her tail and has a huge hairless patch on her back from a previous wound. she is a bit mangled, not afraid of anything, and well fed. Scar, picks up a morsel of cat food with her cute little paw, dips in in water and places it in her mouth. she eats formally. she has incredible manners. her visiting hours are from 9-10 pm.

i went from fearing them and making it my mission to scare them away forever by throwing things, charging and screaming, to loving them, naming them, and buying extra cat food for them. charlie, our retarded cat, seems indifferent to them. they live together in harmony, even though everyone tells me that raccoons kill cats. charlie is stupid. i am sure the raccoons are aware of this and pity him.