Tuesday, August 19, 2008

focusing on something else

i was in the waiting room at the doctor yesterday and read a fascinating article about yeast. i learned that it can be beneficial to do a yeast cleanse. i guess yeast can store up in your system and then you will have an overgrowth of it....and since all i ate yesterday was a baguette, cookies and beer....

so all i have to do is not eat stuff yeast likes....so alcohol, sugar, breads (my entire diet) and eat stuff like yogurt and sauerkraut. sure...easy enough.

i hadn't had a pap since 2006. i am not sure how this is possible.

we talked about if i am planning on getting pregnant soon i should start a prenatal vitamin now. she suggested a book about fertility. the whole conversation was completely odd. this idea of preparing your body for pregnancy (what? i have to give up alcohol?). how to track ovulation. all these years....of trying NOT to get pregnant.

and i kept thinking about how unhealthy i was when i got pregnant with riley. i smoked back then. and after i took the test i had a cigarette. just one....but still. i was overweight and disgusting. and riley....has always been as healthy as they come. and she is the smartest 5 year old i know. can your 5 year old do calculus while playing mozart?

earlier this month i was trying to convince myself i could be pregnant. i couldn't stop thinking about it. and i think i totally hit the nail on the head here:

4:39 PM Amanda: you're probably not. you're probably just psyching yourself out because you want it so bad.
me: i know. boo.
4:40 PM i just need to get pregnant the old fashioned way. get drunk and fuck and wake up and not remember. and don't think about it until you vomit up your cheerios.
4:42 PM Amanda: ha ha ha

so i have decided the only way is to not want it. to not even consider it an option. so. i do not want to get pregnant. at all. ever. i dislike babies. i want nothing to do with them. they smell funny. and it would ruin my life. i have a lot more important things i need to do.
like yeast cleanse.
and today i am going to organize the linen closet. i might even mow the lawn.

No comments: