Monday, April 27, 2009

the struggle

Love is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.
-Iris Murdoch

i once compared believing in love to believing in god.

believing in something you can't really see. can't really prove. you have all these books, all this art, poems, novels. so many words to explain something that, in the end, is a concept you either believe in, or don't. you either feel it, or don't.

i remember wondering what love would feel like. would i know? is it obvious? will i hear music?
is it like how you know when an egg is boiled or how long to knead dough? will i just know?

it can be that simple, but it isn't. yes i just knew, but doubts are everywhere. yes, it is perfect, but in all it's flaws.

is that it? is it an evolving concept? does love mean one thing now, a different thing then, and something else tomorrow?

i watch my child capture bug after bug. she names them and secures them in jars. loves them and talks about them endlessly. one by one they die, she dumps them in the yard and she finds a new one.

not to sound bleak, but, is it just in our human nature to love and destroy and repeat?

is the trick in marriage to love, crash, cry, re-evaluate, psycho-analyze, love, crash, repeat?

i know there are no answers and i know the important thing is simply the want. the discussion. the value. the believing.

i think about this a lot: in this culture we don't like any weakness. we do not talk about the ugly side of everything beautiful. and it is there!! i remember being pregnant and saying "no one ever tells you this part!".....because no one does. we talk about our perfect lives, our perfect children and our wonderful marriages. but nothing is ever easy and perfect! sometimes i post very honest things on here...and it is hard. it exposes those unwanted feelings...the vulnerability of being (gasp) flawed, weak, unsure, imperfect. but, i do it because i feel it is important to acknowledge the struggle. and anyone who tells me they don't lying....or i need to be on the drug they are on.


crazyvirgo said...

love is so fucking hard. it's terribly ugly. it hurts really bad. it can make you want to run your head into a wall and run far far away. love is disgusting, fat, slobby, and a big 'ol mess. but, love is also the most beautiful, devoted, steadfast, perfect thing ever.

dreaming and breathing said...

so true.