Wednesday, April 1, 2009

yet another bad day

i feel like a broken pathetic mess of a human.

i am failing at recovering from the emotional sucker punch in december. total fail.

sure, some days are better. sure sometimes i even see babies and have no pain in my chest. sometimes i can even talk about the future without sobbing. so, i guess i have made some small steps forward (i originally wrote "baby steps" and then deleted it because it made me slightly sad.....thus contradicting the entire statement altogether).

truth: i am a mess. i am having an emotional breakdown. i am so close to running away, breaking every lamp, shaving my head, and tattooing my face.

either that or i will curl up in a ball and sob for a few hours and then feel better until next time i hear about another person i know getting pregnant. (i swear....i really am happy for everyone...i am just self obsessed right now with my own pain and lack of pregnancy)

i know how pathetic all this sounds. which is truly torturing. i am aware that i have so much to be happy about. i am aware that i sound like a weak ,whiny, jealous, crazy woman who just wants a baby...even though i already have a beautiful child.....and that there are women out there with real problems like starving to death and spousal abuse and botched lipo and botox addiction*.

*that was me attempting to be funny even though i feel like kicking walls.


Erin said...

You have every right to feel whatever you're feeling right now, Dana. You actually sound very brave to me by being so honest. Hang in there.

dreaming and breathing said...

thanks, Erin. I still have bad days....and that was one of them.